Today my horse Ham boarded a truck in Connecticut and left his home in the East for a new one with me in California.
It is seven degrees below freezing in the place he’s set out from, seventy degrees and sunny here where I wait.
It’s hard to say just how this move’s important to me. Hard to say how achingly glad I am it’s come to pass.
All I really know how to write is that I spent years preparing to lose the comfort of this animal’s love. Years gearing up for a grief that never came. And maybe there’s a lesson in that. Something about the present moment and how that’s all there really is.
Still, now that I can rest easy, I don’t.
I’ve not yet learned to let go of dreading some ending: the death of my family, the sale of my horse, the end of her life, but…I’m learning.
I see progress in small ways and new trust in small things. Like my little dog, the resilience of my own body, own blood, the amenability of my own mind. It’s a certain strength that comes with sadness; an understanding of change that somehow lessens heartache and fear. Because yes, it will come. And afterwards, fade.
I don’t yet feel at peace with all this.
But…I’m learning.
I’m learning to love the change. I’m learning I’ll be fine throughout.